Aubrey Ella

1 Year Later

2011-06-15T12:13:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I got the call of Brian's sudden cardiac arrest. I was looking back at my posts from that time. It is hard to describe what I feel reflecting back. We are gearing up for a big weekend--Our anniversary and Fathers Day both fall on Sunday this year. This is such a special time for our family. We will have to celebrate the miracles we have experienced and praise God for his hand of protection on our family. I am in awe of the care He has provided. I am so in love with my husband and so thankful that we still have time together on this earth. Our life is turning out so differently than we imagined it when we were first married, but it is so much richer and filled with gratitude. I long to pass that gratitude on to our children, we must not forget that EVERYTHING we have comes from the Lord, the Maker and Creator of ALL THINGS. I think we feel a new sense of purpose since God gave Brian his life back. I have thought throughout the year of this day and how we can make it special. I think I have an idea!

May 2011

2011-06-06T15:06:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how May has flown by. Most of the month was beautiful here in Anchorage, Alaska. We are feeling settled in and quite at home here already. We have been spending every spare moment outlside (especially whenever Kai is sleeping.) With the long days we can easily put the kids to bed around 7:30 and get at least two or three hours of yard work in before we go to bed! This is the time of year where everything has gone from the dead brown of winter to bright and alive with color. I LOVE this time of year. We have worked diligently at planning, building and planting our garden and working on our yard. The neighbor boys are hydroseeding our back yard at this very moment. In Alaska, a common gardening technique is raised bed gardening, so the soil is warmer for the plants to grow. We started our seeds in the laundry room window a couple of months ago, and have now transplanted everything to the yard. We built an arbor and gate with a wire fence to hopefully keep pests (moose) from eating our our hard work! Kai is still crawling so, in order to bring him outside we pretty much have to commit to a bath afterward.

The kids are adjusting well to being here. Kai is sleeping well again--that is where the change affected him most. Aubrey is doing well with the change also. She has settled in after a little transition time. We all love our new home and all of the space we have to play. All the work there is to do here is what we love to do. The kids had late winter colds but have been healthy for some time now. We love to walk to the zoo from our house.

We have been connecting with old friends and excited to meet some new. We will be hosting a couple of BBQs for people who are connected with our church and live in our neighborhood this summer. We are also taking a trip to Montana to meet up with family for a week in July. Both sets of parents are coming to visit us this summer as well.

It is an interesting thing to move away from a place for a couple of years and then move back. It is certainly an easier transition than moving to a new place, though. I am out of "Momma Time." So I'll have to add pictures next time!

New Home, Easter, Birthday

2011-05-04T15:33:00.004-08:00

Easter Cuties!

Malakai's Birthday cake was gone in one bite!

It has been a busy few weeks. We closed on our home without a hitch. We LOVE it. We have room to play and move. We may paint the kids rooms, but other than hanging pictures, we don't need to do anything else to it. We moved in and spent about 2 weeks getting things unpacked, arranged and settled. Now we are really enjoying it. We spent a couple hours raking leaves, burning sticks and "working" in our yard the other night. We are starting our garden--the plants are starting in the Laundry room, and we are building raised beds in the back yard. We LOVE that type of work. Aubrey is loving it too. It is so quiet and beautiful here. We see moose quite often and we can walk to the Zoo from here!

We had some friends over for Lasagna on Easter. The kids enjoyed hunting for eggs and playing. Then we celebrated Kai's first birthday all week. Monday (the actual birthday) we went to Chucky Cheese for our family celebration. The kids were asleep by the time we got home, so we opened his presents the next evening. We had a little Birthday BBQ on Saturday for him. It felt so good to entertain in our new home. We are so thankful for little Malakai. He brings so much joy to our lives. He is such a happy kid most of the time and so sweet and loving. His first year was an extreme one for the Buck family! but we are so blessed.

The Waiting Game

2011-03-29T22:51:00.003-08:00

Two weeks. We close on our new home in two weeks. It is hard to keep the two kids occupied each day here. I have been planning outings and activities for the kids and I to do each day. We have spent lots of time catching up with old friends. We have been to the library, zoo, playland, indoor playground three times, one mall, and community rec center kindergym time twice. I signed Aubrey up for a gymnastics class and have plans to go to the indoor waterpark, and a church moms play group this week! Aubrey and I do a little homeschool preschool each day--usually when Malakai naps. Brian and I have been meticulously planning our garden, and the fence around it to keep moose out, and the compost bin! We are anxious to be homeowners again! We will have a large yard in our new home (over half acre) so we have been planning what we want to do with it! This place is very nice and I am thankful we could be in a place like this in this meantime. It is comfortable and fairly quiet. We are on the 4th (top) floor with views of the mountains. We have shopping carts in the garage to bring groceries and sleeping kids up from the car in the elevator. Brian works really close, too. Malakai has grown a lot since we got here over a month ago. He now crawls everywhere on his knees and pulls up and cruises all around the furniture. He is such a happy kid most of the time. I thought he had crawled down the hall to the kids room where Aubrey was but she came back not knowing where he was. . . we heard a "splash, splash" and ran to find him laughing and splashing his hands in the toilet! Aaaah!

Alaska Update

2011-03-04T14:38:00.002-09:00

We have been in Anchorage for a little over a week. We have been looking for houses and are currently waiting to hear from one we put an offer on. (the third house we have offered on.) We are renting a furnished 2 bedroom appartment downtown. It is cozy and fine, but we are anxious to get into a home. We have nice views of the mountains and were able to see some dogsled racers from the kids's bedroom window last weekend. Aubrey likes the snow, but thinks it is too cold here. She has already had several play dates and loves her friends here. It hasn't been the easiest transition for the kids. Malakai arrived in AK with double ear infections and Aubrey seems to have caught a new cold just as her last one was almost gone. Neither kid is sleeping very well, so far--consequently, neither am I. It will be nice to get settled somewhere in our own beds again. I'll try and keep you posted. . . We are excited for the Iditerod start this weekend. Brian likes his job, and the challenge of doing something a little different. It has been fun catching up with old friends.

2011-02-14T06:59:00.002-09:00

We are off to the Caribbean for a week with family before the big move. We were so blessed to have family here to share in such a special day for Malakai.

Moving Day!

2011-02-08T05:21:00.003-09:00

The big truck is pulling up any minute! We are off on another adventure. Feb 21st we will be flying to Alaska to once again make Anchorage home. We are excited--though it is always bitter-sweet to move. We will greatly miss living near family, our church home, our neighbors, and the friends we have made--not to mention the pool and the sunshiny weather! Aubrey, at 3 years old, is SO excited and keeps telling us how much she loves snow and all the things that go with that. Malakai will hopefully become a little more flexible through this transition! They're here--gotta go!

October 2010

2010-10-23T06:41:00.002-08:00

I realize I have not touched the blog in some time. Thank you so much for checking it and continuing to pray for our family. I think I have wanted so much to feel "normal" again that things like writing in the blog got put on the back burner. It always forces me to reflect on all that has happened in our life--and sometimes I just don't want to do that.

Brian returned to work full time just three weeks after being released from the hospital. He feels as good as new. Brian expected the doctor to say he could go back to work after two weeks but he encouraged him to take one more week off--so we took a mini-vacation to a resort in Austin. It was good to get away. We are still trying to work out what the best activity level for him will be. A stress echo revealed that his heart isn't handling exercise as well as it should--so for now, the orders are to try and keep his heart below 120 bpm. We have been able to hike and play some tennis and do yard work at that level. Contact sports are off limits for now. I have been amazed at Brian's ability to focus on what he can do and not on what he can't.

Brian and I have very different ways of dealing with all that has happened. I do a lot of internal processing and occasional conversations with good friends--but I want distance from the pain and fears of that week and the implications for our future. I want to focus on the day to day and try and not worry about the future. Brian on the other hand takes a much more proactive approach. He has immersed himself with information and connected with people who have walked a similar road. He joined some organizations made up of people who have HCM or have children with the disease. These communities provide support and advice for families as well as advocate for heart healthy legislation. The Sudden Cardiac Arrest Coalition recently flew Brian to Washington DC to share his story with lawmakers. They are hoping to save lives through awareness and training. Brian sees his arrest as a platform God has given him to share Christ with others. And wants to be able to make the best decisions for himself and our children to keep everyone healthy.

This summer, besides adjusting to having a new baby and recovering from a cardiac arrest in the family. . . My parents came out for a nice long visit. My dad built us a beautiful window-seat in the living room. My mom and I made the cushion. We took a last minute trip in September to Nashville to spend time with Brian's sister Lori and her family. That was a great time. Aubrey started preschool at our church two days/week. She loves it. It took her a few weeks to talk to her teachers, but she is settling in well now. At home she is as spunky as ever--and never stops talking! She definitely has a mind of her own and a strong will for such a sweet little girl. We went camping with Brian's folks one weekend and I cut Aubrey's hair for the first time. Aubrey's birthday was Oct. 7th and we had a lot of fun celebrating it. She brought cupcakes to school on the 6th, we celebrated as a family on the 7th and then the next Saturday we had a costume party!

Malakai is really a delight and a blessing in our family. When I look back on that week Brian was in the hospital and Kai turned 8 weeks old, I am so thankful for him. He is such a sweet baby and he got a lot easier for me that week--in terms of eating and sleeping well. I think that sitting and nursing him every 2-3 hours was so good for me in so many ways. He is just now about 6 months old and I just adore him. He is so smiley and friendly. He loves attention. I am thankful for those two mornings a week when it's just him and me at home.

I think I'll stop there. Know that our family is doing well and so appreciative of all the prayers and love you all have shown us.

Processing

2010-07-03T10:28:00.004-08:00

I have been wanting to write on the blog, but it is hard to know what to say. Brian is doing great. We went in for follow-up appointments with the cardiologist and the electrophysiologist. Both appointments gave us a good news that he is healing well and will be able to resume an active lifestyle soon. We learned more about the devise (defibrillator) they installed in his chest. I liked the point the nurse made that the AICD is meant to help him get out there and live life not to keep him home.

On Tuesday, we went to Brian's work as a family. We wanted to thank the women who responded to the emergency and preformed CPR on Brian. We also just wanted people to be able to see Brian and how well he is doing. I know that was really important to Brian and I think it helped him a lot. He is still trying to piece together all that happened to him. It was pretty emotional to meet one of the girls that initially saved Brian's life. I know what I went through and I can imagine what Brian went through, but I realized that the event must have been pretty traumatic for those that were there in a whole different way.

Though I was so excited to have Brian home from the hospital and healing so well, I was unprepared for the tidal wave of emotions that hit me over the next week or so. There has been much to process. I avoided the thoughts and fears that were lying just below the surface for a few days. Brian asked me to share my heart with him--knowing that it must have been hard for me, but it took me a couple of days to be able to do that. Brian and I were on such opposite sides of this event that it is almost like we experienced two different events. Never before in our marriage have we not been able to be there together through the trials.

Still, God is faithful in all of this. He continues to teach me not to live in fear and to give my cares to him. Brian feels that God has given him a second chance at life and want to live for what is important. We see God's glory all around--in saving Brian's life, in walking with us through the trial, in providing sleep when sleep seemed impossible, in the support we've received from the community, in the new depth of love in our family, and in new perspectives. We are thankful for life–-not only this life here and now, but we can look ahead to eternity because of our Savior who bore our sins on the cross.

Brian's Perspective

2010-06-29T19:05:00.001-08:00

It has been about two weeks since the incident. This whole ordeal was actually tougher on others than it was on me, though. I've been well taken care of – starting with CPR, getting shocked, getting accompanied in the ambulance, being visited in the Houston Medical Center by many, brought meals after coming home, etc. There are some strange discomforts still - like unusual muscle twitches and the tight skin around the defibrillator, but other than that I'm just moving slow and not allowed to lift my arm over my shoulder.

I wish I had something really profound to say, but instead I will right down a few of my thoughts:

As I was waking up, I kept thinking I was dreaming and just couldn't wake up. I remember all the details of the hospital room. I woke up in the same place about 5 or more times before I realized it was not a dream. That's when I started to realize something was wrong.
About half a day or more after I realized something was wrong, I started to understand that whatever I was going through was a fairly big deal. At that point I thought about Julie and the kids and thought I should really try to get better for them.
Every time I truly think about the thought process Julie has been through, it is very difficult. There were two days when she did not know if I would be OK, was given some information that I might not be OK, and I can't imagine the difficulty of that situation.
People have poured out support for me and my family. Here in town, we've had lots of visitors both before and after I was aware of their presence at the hospital. Family came in from out of town. It was pretty confusing waking up and seeing so many old friends and family at the hospital. I soon realized they were only there because my health was so poor, which is humbling.
I read through the blog that Julie wrote and the comments from people all over. It was emotional to see what people wrote and how people care.
God has protected us in a very real way. We are praying he uses this situation for a greater good…

Home Sweet Home!

2010-06-22T18:48:00.004-08:00

Happy Father's Day!

The Anniversary Dinner. . .

Happy Anniversary!

Brian is home! He had a couple of procedures yesterday--a closer look at his heart and then the installation of an AICD, Automatic Internal Cardioverter Defibrillator (or something like that.) They had to recheck the device today and then released him to go home. We will be taking it easy for a couple of weeks (at least) and enjoying some family time.

I can't even begin to describe the emotional roller coaster this week has been, but through it all we can see God's hand. We continue to trust in God's plan for us. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers--God heard and answered. We are so thankful.

Brian doing well

2010-06-20T07:59:00.002-08:00

Thank you for reading our blog. I really appreciate all the messages of encouragement. I have been telling Brian about them, but it will be a blessing for him to read them when he gets home. Brian is doing really well--anxious to get home. He will be there at least through Tuesday. They are doing a couple of procedures Monday and Tuesday and then he can go home Wednesday--possibly even Tuesday night (assuming all continues to go well.) We feel so supported and loved. Brian was able to walk down the hall yesterday and then walk out to the waiting area to spend a little time with Malakai (now 8 weeks old.) We shared a hospital meal for our anniversary--it was very sweet. He is in good spirits today. I am feeling a little overwhelmed with the housework and cranky kids, but my kids need a more normal day at home today. My mom and brother are here helping out and Brian's sister is on her way over as well with her little one. I still can't believe all that has happened in the last few days, but I know God is good and his hand is truly on our family.

happy Happy HAPPY Anniversary!!!

2010-06-19T06:33:00.002-08:00

I called Brian's room this morning and he answered. . . and it sounded like my husband! He got a little sleep last night and improved dramatically. He is feeling much better and the fog has lifted. He was very curious about what happened and my brother filled him in the best he could. He asked if he could come home today. He'll stay in the CCU at least another day. He got to talk to Aubrey on the phone as well. Today is our anniversary and I think this may be our most memorable and in many ways the best one I'll ever have (maybe not the most fun, but so special.) God has given me my sweet husband twice now and I am overjoyed. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. I think he may be up for a few more visitors today--especially if it would help you to see him doing so well.

Praising God Tonight!

2010-06-18T18:47:00.002-08:00

(This is Julie) I am filled with thankfulness and relief today. I was so anxious about this morning--the day the cryo-therapy and the sedation came off. There were lots of ways this day could have gone and I was fearful, but our God is SO good! Things couldn't have gone better, today. Brian woke shortly after the sedation medication was stopped. He was responding appropriately to commands and recognizing people and opening his eyes the best he could. He was even writing his requests on a tablet of paper and trying to talk. He was very uncomfortable until they took the breathing tube out and stopped cooling his body. The medical staff was amazed at how quickly he was able to get the respirator removed (a couple hours after waking rather than days!)

As the day went on and he became increasingly aware and more able to talk. Everyone is overjoyed at how well he is doing. . . everyone except Brian. He is just now going through a lot of the emotions that we have been processing for the last couple of days. He was very sad and discouraged today. His strong fit body is healing remarkably fast and we expect to see continued improvement each day. Please pray that his spirits are lifted and he begins to see more of the positives that we are all so excited about. He still doesn't really know what happened, though I think he has pieced together a lot of it. By the time I left him late this evening, he seemed much more at peace. We were able to spend some good time together just the two of us. My brother is staying the night with him. They called when they were going to bed and Brian had even gotten to eat a little applesauce and some ice chips.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and messages and help with everything. I feel so much support and love. I know many people want to help out in some way and I will try to let people know our needs as they arise. Please don't send flowers to the hospital as they are not allowed in the CCU. And for those that helped Brian in any way on the soccer field I can never thank you enough--you saved his life.

Good News

2010-06-18T06:15:00.002-08:00

This is Julie’s friend Aundrea, writing with a brief update and good news.

This morning they stopped sedating Brian. As he wakes up, the doctor and nurses are monitoring him closely. They are encouraged by the fact that he is responding appropriately—he wiggled his toes when asked, seems to recognize everyone, makes eye contact, and is trying to talk. However, he is still on a ventilator, which makes it difficult for him to speak. The ventilator should be removed sometime soon. The doctor is positive about his chances for making a full recovery.

Please pray for Brian as he continues the recovery process.

2010-06-17T08:28:00.003-08:00

This is Julie's friend, Jenny, updating her blog since she is at the hospital now with Brian. I am going to attempt to summarize what has been happening to the best of my ability after speaking with Julie.

Yesterday during the lunch hour, Brian was playing soccer with co-workers when he collapsed on the soccer field. His heart stopped beating and people began CPR. Someone was able to access a defibrillator right away. The defibrillator was successful on the first try and Brian was then transported to the hospital. They think his heart was stopped for approximately 3 minutes.

At the hospital, they started a 24 hour therapy where they sedated him and cool his body temperature way down in order to prevent his brain from swelling. Around 5 pm tonight, they will begin to warm his body back up and they expect him to wake up sometime tomorrow morning. Brian is stable and they expect a full recovery. The results of the initial cat scan and echo did not show anything abnormal.

Brian will probably be in the hospital for at least a week, but probably not too much more than that if all goes well when he wakes up.

Julie said that God has been providing amazing support for them during this time. A couple of their neighbors have been helping take care of Aubrey and Malakai and have provided rides to the hospital. Brian's coworkers have been very helpful and supportive as well. Brian's parents were in North Carolina and flew back last night when they heard what happened. Julie's mom and brother will get to Houston tonight to be there for support as well.

Please continue to pray for Brian and Julie and I will keep updating this as I hear more.

Look Who's 2!!

2009-10-08T10:00:00.002-08:00

Aubrey gets a three-day celebration this year. Yesterday (the 7th) was actually her birthday. She and I did some special things throughout the day and then we went out with Daddy for dinner and played at Chuck E Cheese for a little bit. Tonight is the family party--GiGi and PaPa are coming for dinner and she gets to open her presents today. Saturday we are having a joint birthday party for her and our neighbor friend Lydia who both turn 2 this month. We just invited all the neighbors in our cul-du-sac for a BBQ. I am in charge of making a whole lot of cupcakes! She is getting so big.

We have been having some pretty rough nights lately, though last night may have been a breakthrough. Last week we went to this Aquarium in Houston for a fun family outing. It a really neat day. One of the coolest things this place has are these white tigers. We were able to watch when they switched the tigers out--they seem to just have one on display on at a time. The first tiger was getting pretty excited for her big moment to leave and with lots of people watching on the other side of the glass. Aubrey was standing right up close to the glass with Brian behind her and the tiger wanted to play. It crouched in the corner then all-of-a-sudden jumped up on the glass right at Aubrey, standing taller than Brian! Aubrey jumped back and fell on her bottom, Brian jumped back--it was all very funny. We got a ticket to play a carnival game for free and Aubrey won two little stuffed tigers! Aubrey was pretty worn out from our big day and slept great that night. The next night, however, she woke up with nightmares. I finally got her to tell me what she was thinking and she said, "Tiger jump up, tiger jump up, big tiger jump, Daddy Aubrey, Daddy Aubrey." This repeated itself the next few nights but I think she has finally forgotten (we hid the toy tiger.) Our great little sleeper has been having lots of trouble sleeping in her bed lately--sometimes I wish she was still in her crib. I am hoping we are on the back side of this for a while though now.

I am in a Beth Moore Bible study Thursday mornings. I am loving it. This morning was a little emotional for me though. Aubrey and I battled over her medicine before we left the house. We were both crying after that. Then the whole drive to the church Aubrey was saying "Mommy no. No, no Mommy. Go home." We get to Aubrey's class room and there is a little boy screaming in there. Aubrey loses it. I nearly do as she is clinging to me and not wanting to go. Then I find out she cried off and on the whole time last week. I reluctantly leave her in the arms of the very nice lady. Then head down the hall and the woman in charge of the child care stops me and explains what the little boy's background is and assures me they will call if Aubrey doesn't stop crying. I start crying again, as this lady is reassuring me that she'll be fine. She checks in on her before I head to class and she's already doing fine. After our discussion time, we watch Beth on video. She talks a lot about fear and I always relate everything to Aubrey's heart. The heart of the issue that she drove home was what God has been teaching me all year. It isn't enough to trust God that the thing I fear the most won't happen--most of the things I fear won't happen and some may--maybe even that thing that I fear the most. God tells us not to fear--more than anything else he commands in the Bible. As Esther faced her biggest fear, "If I parish, I parish," I need to be able to answer that "if ______ then, _____" with God. If my biggest fear happens I KNOW that my God will be with me and ultimately I will be okay.

In the trials we have faced so far--God has brought us through. We have witnessed friends walk through the trial of losing a newborn and painful as it was and is, God brought them through. God is good and he is still working on me in this area, but I feel like a few things clicked into place this morning.

When I picked Aubrey up she was so happy--she said she had fun. The head lady came up to me and told me they had a great day, Luke (the little boy) stopped screaming and played the whole time and Aubrey never started crying again either. What was I worried about?

Home to Alaska

2009-08-29T11:51:00.003-08:00

What a wonderful time we had in Alaska this month. We were there from the 8th through the 23rd. It was great timing for Brian to have a work trip to AK, only working the first 4 days of our long vacation. We split our time staying with two families and then camping the last weekend in Seward. Aubrey had a blast playing with all of her old friends and meeting several of their new siblings. We had great weather. It felt like we were just at home. We spent a lot of time with lots of our friends. Everyone kept remarking that it felt like we had never left--we felt that way, too. It was refreshing to be there.

We were back less than a week and Brian took off again--for a week in the UK and Norway. Hopefully I will be able to keep myself and Aubrey busy for a week alone!

Summer Time

2009-07-24T11:48:00.005-08:00

It has been a long time since I have sat down to blog, sorry about that. We have been very busy since summer started. Aubrey is doing great. We just spent a wonderful two weeks with Grandma Sue (Julie's mom) in town. Aubrey calls her "Du." She is starting to really talk a lot and even in short sentences. She is growing in confidence as well. She always wants to do everything herself and will tell you, "Aubee, Aubee!" when you try to do things for her. She is so much fun. If you want her to get really animated, ask her about Shamu--we have been to SeaWorld three times now and she LOVES it. She loves stickers, coloring, and pushing around her baby doll stroller. We converted her crib to a toddler bed. There were about three or four days of transition where she was always on the floor when we went in to check on her, but now she is doing great with the change. She climbed out of her crib one afternoon when, apparently, she wasn't ready for her nap. I watched to see if she could do it and caught her before she hit the ground. That was the end of her crib days.

We are looking forward to heading back to Alaska for a nice long visit in a couple of weeks. We miss our friends so much. I'll try and blog again soon.

Health Update for Our Big Girl

2009-04-28T16:43:00.002-08:00

We went to TCH today for Aubrey's scheduled cardiology appointment. We were SO proud of Aubrey. We practiced what was going to happen yesterday and I think she felt prepared knowing what was happening. She laid very still for the whole half hour of the test and didn't even mind all the stickies they put on her for the EKG. As for the results: things haven't changed. The numbers were all virtually the same as they have been. It is good to know that she isn't getting any worse. As far as the incident that sent us to the hospital in January--there is no new explanation. It may just be some fluke that we never fully understand. We will be back in 6 months for her next heart check up.

These appointments always leave us with mixed feelings. On one hand we are so thankful for how healthy she is and that things haven't gotten worse. On the other hand we so much want to hear that she is healed and are reminded of the seriousness of her condition. For now we just get to enjoy the wonderful girl she is and our life as a family--and do our best to trust our gracious Lord and not worry.

Update and Reflections

2009-02-17T12:26:00.002-09:00

Aubrey had several tests during and after her recent (a month ago) hospitalization. Everything they tested has come back and everything came back normal. The tests they did are some of the ways that a metabolic or mitochondrial disorder commonly show up. They do not conclusively rule anything out--except for the one that ruled out an overdose on her medication. We were kind of hoping that was the answer. So, we are thankful for the results we have--even though they haven't been able to explain things as of yet. I am so very thankful for Aubrey and the joy she brings to our lives and how healthy she is for now. Some of our friends have been telling us lately that they admire our strength and perspective in the midst of these things we are facing. I have to be honest, we don't always succeed at this, sometimes we are overcome by our fears even though the Lord tells us over and over not to fear. I have to constantly take my thoughts captive and not let my fears for her future take root. It is a frequent battle for me especially. The Lord is refining us. I have been learning that the Lord has given us each our own measure of hardship, our own cross to bear unlike anyone else's. I think we have been able to be thankful despite the circumstance, but the next step is to be thankful for the circumstance. We are thankful for the depth it has brought to our marriage, to our love for Aubrey, and to our relationship with the Lord. Bottom line: We trust in the goodness of God. ALL THE TIME He is good.

Dining Room Artwork

2009-02-17T12:21:00.002-09:00

My friend Robin helped me start this project a few weeks ago when she visited. I had so much fun tapping into my creative side and painting this piece for our dining room. It is four pieces of wood each 2 ft x 2 ft, textured and painted.

It's the Little Things

2009-02-17T11:03:00.017-09:00

NEW SUIT

Here Aubrey was showing Daddy her new swimsuit when he got home from work.

LITTLE HELPER

Aubrey was a big help when we were fixing the sprinkler system! We were actually so proud of how well she played around the yard while we were digging ditches, glueing pipes, and filling ditches. She has been very good around the pool so far. She has enjoyed the hot tub very much the couple of times we have taken her in.
JOYS OF PARENTHOOD

One of the greatest things about being parents are these little moments when we get to hold Aubrey after she has fallen asleep in the car before we transfer her to her bed. What a joy!

VALENTINES DAY
Brian took me to the Houston Museum of Natural Science for Valentines day. They had an event called "Love Bugs." There was food and dancing amongst the dinosaur bones--a Salsa band played and we had a blast dancing. We visited the body exhibit with the plasticised bodies--it was really cool and educaitonal! We also got to go through the butterfly exhibit which was very cool. Then we walked through a park in the warm rain. It was a lovely evening.

Back to Normal

2009-01-24T07:51:00.007-09:00

Brian's work had some balloons delivered to Little Miss--a perfect gift!

The pool is almost complete, we are filling it up this very moment!
Aubrey was helping Daddy fix the sprinkler system this morning.

Thank you all again for your prayers. We are doing much better.

Thanks for Praying

2009-01-19T12:17:00.003-09:00

Many of you know and some may not, that Aubrey was in the hospital this past week. On Tuesday morning, Brian left early in the morning to fly to Oklahoma. Aubrey hadn't woken up by 8:30 am which was unusual. I went in to check on her and I knew that something was wrong. She was staring at me, but didn't say anything. She was shaking a little and her color was a little off. When I touched her I immediately noticed she was really cold. I took her into my room, called Brian, then the pediatrician, and then Brian's mom and we headed to Texas Children's Hospital ER. I had planned on getting together with a friend that morning so she called and offered to ride with me to the Hospital. That was such a blessing that helped keep me calm on the drive.

A whole lot of doctors, nurses, and others quickly worked on Aubrey to get her temperature, blood sugar, and heart rate back up to a normal place. It was very scary for me and I was SO thankful to have Brian's mom with me. Once they got her to a more stable condition, they took her in for a brain cat scan and then she was placed in the PICU. Brian was able to come back that evening and spend the next three days with me at the hospital. Aubrey was doing much better shortly after getting into the PICU, though she was still very sleepy for the rest of that day. That night was very scary for Brian and I because after Aubrey's dangerously low blood sugar level, it shot up to a dangerously high level. Thankfully her body was able to regulate it over the nighttime so she didn't need any help with that.

While in the PICU, Brian and I were offered a room at the Ronald McDonald House located in the hospital. That was a blessing for us to get to take turns napping and showering there over the night. Aubrey was out of ICU status early wednesday morning, but it wasn't until late that night that there was a room for her on the Cardiac floor. We were so glad to be moved to a much larger room with a place for us to sleep and a private bathroom with a shower. Also they only checked vitals every 4 hours there and Aubrey got to shed most of her cords and stickers and cufs and other tethers. She only had one iv left and since she was feeling better she was happy for the extra mobility.

It was a very difficult time for all of us. Brian and I were very emotionally exhausted from watching Aubrey go through so much poking and prodding. She became VERY fearful of anyone who would walk through the door (besides Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, and Grandpa.) It hurt me so much to see her hurting and afraid and not be able to do anything but be there for her.

The doctors are still baffled by what actually caused this incident. We have talked to lots and lots of doctors. We are thankful to be in such place with such WONDERFUL doctors. There are so many doctors reviewing her case and trying to find answers. She had lots of blood tests, eye exam, hearing exam, liver ultrasound, heart ultrasound and so far everything has turned up normal. The cardiologists and the geneticists want her to have a few more tests to try and narrow down a diagnosis (or rule out certain other conditions.) We have to take her back to TCH on Thursday for a big brain MRI and they are doing a skin biopsy while she is under anesthesia. They finally let us go home Friday night. She has been SO happy since we left. She is completely back to her normal bubbly, loving, smart, silly self.

Thank you for keeping us in your prayers. Though it has been a difficult time, we have many things to be thankful. We need prayer for wisdom and peace as parents. We pray that Aubrey has peace and feels safe despite all the uncomfortable appointments she has to go through. And of course we pray for healing. We would like some answers, but we are okay without answers. We need your prayers of protection: physical, emotional, and spiritual. God is good.

Transition Time

2008-12-18T11:22:00.003-09:00

So Christmas is sneaking up very fast on us. We have been here in Texas about a month now, minus a week for Thanksgiving. Aubrey had an appointment at Texas Children's Hospital last week. The appointment was tough on her with all the pokes and stickers they stick all over her, but she is doing very well. Her heart is certainly not worse than it has been and may even be a little (very little) better. She has grown but the thick part of the heart has not. Her heart is still squeezing very hard, so they increased her dose of the medicine again. Overall we were very pleased with the news. We were sad to learn that her very excellent dr. is moving to Ohio and we won't be able to see him any more. But I am sure he is leaving us in capable hands.

We are getting settled here in Texas. The house is coming together and we have our vehicles. I am still working on getting a license as that is a very time consuming process here. We really like our home and the neighbors we have met have been great. We found a church and even ran into friends from Anchorage the first Sunday we checked it out. That was such an encouragement and an unexpected blessing. I am looking forward to better weather and our pool to be complete. So far the transition is pretty tough on me especially. Brian likes his job and Aubrey is all settled. I hope we meet some friends or get in a small group soon. May parents get here Monday night for a week. I am SO excited for that. I think if I just get a few more things in order I will feel more at home here. Thanks for keeping up with our family.

Goodbye Alaska. . . Hello Texas

2008-11-17T17:15:00.004-09:00

We leave Alaska late tonight with very mixed feelings. On one hand we are very excited for the changes to come. I am not sad to leave the weather here for a warmer climate. We have a whole new set of adventures awaiting us. Brian's new job will be very different and and exciting change for him. If all goes according to plan, we will arrive in Houston around noon tomorrow, have a final walk through of our new house at around 3. Thursday the 20th is Brian's first day at his new job, our closing date on the new house, and my birthday.

We are also very sad to leave our life here--the only life we have known as a married couple. We have wonderful friends here in Alaska that have become family to us. I know there will be challenges and many lonely moments in this time of transition. We hope to find a church home and get plugged into the community quickly.

Flower Girl

2008-11-07T11:31:00.005-09:00

Maching Jammies! Here is Aubrey with her buddy Maya

Here is our Little Flower at the ConocoPhillips Family Halloween party. She really enjoys dress-up, and we really enjoy showing her off!

We're Moving.

2008-10-27T12:44:00.004-08:00

The Buck family is moving to Houston. A few weeks ago Brian was offered a job he couldn't refuse in Houston. He will still be working for ConocoPhillips, but in a very different role. His new position is an assistant of sorts to a VP in the company. It is a neat opportunity for him to meet people in the higher up roles in the company and learn more about what they do. It will involve quite a bit of travel, setting up meetings, and power point presentations. It is a 12-18 month position. It is kind of an honor to get this job, and at the same time it is nicknamed the "Bag Boy." He is excited for the change after several months of very intense days at work and a lot of time in the field.

There are lots of emotions with this move. We are very sad to leave Alaska--mostly our friends, our church, and the outdoorsy lifestyle we have so enjoyed here. We will miss the amazingly beautiful landscape God created here. This really feels like our home as it is the only home we have had together. On the other hand, we are very excited for some of the changes this move will bring. We will be near Brian's parents for the first time in our marriage. We will be near Aubrey's doctor at Texas Children's Hospital. And buying a home in Houston is very exciting to us--we are hoping to find one with a pool! I am really looking forward to the warmer weather. (it was around 9 degrees here this morning, brrrrrr!) We go on our house hunting trip on Friday the 31st, and then move down on the 19th of November. It is all happening VERY fast.

Big Birthday Girl!

2008-10-14T10:36:00.000-08:00

Aubrey and I got back from a week in California visiting the Frarys and meeting baby Jace and put together a kickin' birthday party! We had a blast in So. Cal! It was in the 80s most of the time. We got to wear shorts and swim and enjoy some sun. Brian met us for a couple of days over the weekend before heading to Houston for a conference. The Frarys and I took Aubrey out for a birthday dinner at a Thai restaurant. They gave her a piece of cake and sang to her. She tried to dig in with her hand but the cake was too hot and she burned her fingers and cried. But that didn't deter her too much; she enjoyed her cake as I cooled pieces for her. It was so great to catch up with such good friends. We also met up with our friends we call the Bumpii who used to live up here. We left the hot weather to arrive home to weather below freezing and snow on the ground and in the forcast. Winter is in full swing already here.

Aubrey's party was a lot of fun. I had so much fun making invitations, planning the food, getting party favors and balloons! Aubrey wore her pink tutu and LOVED it! We had lots of kids and lots of adults celebrate with us. This birthday was really special to us after all that has happened in the last six months. It really gave us a reason to stop and reflect on how much God has blessed us. We are so thankful for Aubrey's health and all the friends and family who have been such a big support to us.

Holding Steady

2008-09-25T13:31:00.000-08:00

We just got back from the Anchorage cardiologist's office. Aubrey is doing well. Things are about the same as they have been the last couple of visits--which is good. Aubrey had us all laughing as the Dr. was trying to do her echo and she was dancing to the music on the video he put in for her. We scheduled an appointment with him for February and will try and get into the Texas doc in between. Aubrey qualified for some financial aid for all of her medical visits so we are feeling very blessed in that regard as well. We are thankful for your continued prayers. We know that Aubrey is special and that God has a special plan to spread hope and life in Christ through her. We have already seen God doing that through her and it is exciting.

Our funny little girl

2008-09-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

Last week for Brian's birthday, we went on a family hunting outing. Really we went hiking in moose country with a gun. We didn't see any moose, but we saw some tracks and other signs of moose. It was a beautiful autumn day.

Aubrey is getting into more and more every day. She was very busy while I was making a meal for some friends.

Aubrey makes me laugh every day. She is so funny. We were given a little girl's snow suit (that should fit in about 2 years!) Aubrey wanted to put it on when she saw it. She was like a big marshmellow. . . and she liked it! "Ralphie, I can't get up." She seems to have a thing for shoes. She is always bringing me her shoes and insisting that I put them on her little feet. Even in jammies she wants to wear shoes too!
We have had a week with Brian out of town, and he is due home tomorrow. We can't wait. Aubrey misses her daddy. We look at his picture in Aubrey's "Who Loves Baby" book and she kisses him and gives him cuddles. She talks on the phone to him and even gives the phone kisses when he is on the other end. She is still not quite walking. She does pretty well as long as she can hold at least one hand. She takes 1 or 2 steps on her own. Hopefully Daddy doesn't miss her first real steps! She's so close.

48 Hours

2008-08-13T15:59:00.000-08:00

Brian went to Dallas this past weekend for our friend's wedding. He unfortunately got stuck in Salt Lake Sunday night because of a volcano. Meanwhile, early Monday morning (3am) Aubrey woke up with some diarrhea. In the morning, it was clear she was sick with that and a fever. Knowing that it is very important for Aubrey to stay hydrated because of her HCM, I called the doctor and got an appointment to see a pediatrician at 2:30 pm. Brian was in Seattle by then, but unreachable until then. When I took her in they told me they wanted her admitted to the hospital immediately to get an iv going. So a nurse walked me over to the Children's hospital (same building as the pediatrician.) It was very upsetting for Aubrey to have so many strange faces poking her and listening to her heart and measuring her and weighing her. So it took a long time (a few hours) to get her set up, but eventually they gave her a mild sedative and she calmed down so she could have an echocardiogram and get an iv started.

Her heart looked about the same as the last few times. The pressure gradient was a little higher in the outflow to the aorta, but that is easily explained by the slight dehydration she was experiencing. Brian finally got there during the echo. I felt so relieved to have him with me. That first night in the hospital was pretty rough. Aubrey didn't sleep that well once the sedation wore off. The nurses were constantly coming in to give her medicine, check her vitals, or just stop the beeping machines every time she moved and disrupted one of her lines. Aubrey wouldn't sleep unless one of us was in the crib with her, so we took turns squeezing in the crib and stretching out on the tiny little pull out bed for parents! Needless to say, none of us got much sleep Monday night.

Her fever went away in the night and by noon the next day she had had her last loose bowel movement. On Tuesday they had to redo her iv, the first one slipped out, and it took 3 tries--and a LOT of crying--before they got a vein. I cried, too. It is so hard to see your baby hurting and not be able to do anything to make it better. We all slept much better Tuesday night, they kept the tubing in her arm, but unhooked the iv, so there was no more beeping that night. They finally let us go home at noon today (Wednesday.) And we rejoiced!

It wasn't a very fun couple of days. They were worried she had some nasty virus (she didn't) so she was confined to her room and couldn't play anywhere else until a couple hours before we left. The one thing that Brian and I were so thankful for was that the Olympics were on tv this week! The timing was great for us to get lots of time to watch. Aubrey Ella seems very happy to be home, but it is becoming a struggle to get her to take her medicine. I am afraid the hospital has made her more opinionated. She got really good at saying "Ma Ma!"

A Close Encounter

2008-08-08T23:50:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't live in Alaska, here is a glimpse of the things we deal with here. . . We had a beautiful day here today. I wanted to enjoy the outdoors and I was tired of chasing Aubrey around and pulling grass, rocks, and other "goodies" out of her mouth. So, after I changed her cold, wet clothes (she pulled a bucket of cold water on herself,) I strapped her into the chariot and went for a jog with her. I was running through the park near our house and paying more attention to Aubrey than to where I was going. When I came to a T in the path I looked up and saw a moose right in front of me! If I had reached out my hand I would have touched her nose! I gasped and then turned on the after burners! I have seen a lot of moose, but not that close up! I quickly thanked the Lord for protecting us.

Praying for Sunshine

2008-07-28T10:23:00.000-08:00

We haven't had much of a summer--it is the coldest summer on record here in Alaska. So we haven't gotten out as much as we had hoped this summer. But Aubrey has been keeping herself and her Mama busy anyway. Today she climbed up a couple of stairs on her own for the first time. I can't leave her alone or she will find something to eat or go for the CO detector. . . or perhaps the trash can. If you want to know how good of a house-cleaner you are, have a 9 month old crawl around for a little bit!

Aubrey Ella is a handful, but SO much fun at the same time. She has gotten really cuddley. She snuggles her head on my shoulder--especially when she is tired or being shy. When she wakes up too early, I bring her into my bed and she snuggles up and sleeps with me. She just figured out how to wrinkle her nose--so now she does this silly little laugh with her nose wrinkled all the time. She LOVES baths, so we are doing those much more frequently. She has textbook crawling form--getting faster every day. And she stands up on everything and will walk around as long as she can hold on. Her favorite games are peek-a-boo, find the hidden block, and any kind of "I'm going to get you!" She has been very interested in dogs lately--a little nervous even scared, but very interested. She gets really excited when we watch our fish in the fish tank.

I think she takes after both her parents in that she doesn't want to miss out on any of the fun--but is a little more tentative (like her mama) of new people and situations. Brian was out of town for the weekend and Aubrey and I went to our friends' house to play board games Saturday night. The other babies went to bed, but not Aubrey. I tried to put her down, but I finally gave in and let her stay up with the grown-ups. She was perfectly happy to be up--until finally falling asleep in mommy's arms just before the game ended (at 1 am!) She bounced back very well from her late night--slept in late and took an extra nap the next day and she's back in business! I am thankful to have such a flexible baby.

We had her 9 month well baby exam last week. She's still doing great--though she has slipped down the growth chart a bit. Babies growth slows as they become more and more active--and Aubrey has been VERY active for quite a while now. She is now about 17 lbs 8 oz (25%) and 28 in tall (55%.) Overall she is hitting every developmental marker and doing great. We are going to start having her get a shot to protect her against RSV in October--something that they give babies who were born prematurely or have any kind of cardio/respiratory issues. RSV is pretty common and manageable for healthy kids, but with her heart condition we need to take extra precautions to keep her as well as possible. The medicine is actual antibodies for RSV, not a normal vaccine. She could still get RSV, but would already be well on her way to fighting it if she does, so she wouldn't get nearly as sick. The little boy in Texas we know with HCM like Aubrey's got RSV last winter and had to be hospitalized for it. She will have to qualify to get the medicine, but the doctor was pretty confident that she will qualify.

Our little family is doing pretty well most of the time. Brian and I both feel a sense of disappointment about Aubrey's heart condition. As long as I keep my focus on the present, it isn't too bad--she is perfectly healthy and a joy to all who know her. When I think about the big picture and what could happen with her health in the future--I am so scared. I have to immediately turn those thoughts over to the Lord and remember our future and her future is in His hands, not mine. But that isn't easy to do. Brian's work has him very busy and kind of stressed out. He is working a lot, traveling a lot, and when he's home is on the phone a lot or at least thinking about work. With such a busy past 3 months we haven't connected with friends as much as we like either. With such a cloudy summer and all that is going on, I almost feel like I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder--something very common up here in the winter.) Brian and I have had a really good conversation about all of this. He definitely needs prayer and wisdom from the Lord in how to prioritize his life right now to be there for his family, but still be a "good worker." It is sometimes hard for me to reach out--and especially when I am hurting, but I need to make more of an effort. So, along with other the things, please join me in praying for a Sunny August!

Little Big Things

2008-07-08T11:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes little things that shouldn't be a big deal hurt more than they should because they make me think about the big picture with Aubrey. I was frustrated yesterday because I couldn't get the right type of bottle cap for Aubrey's medicine at the pharmacy that makes measuring out the meds easier. Not a big deal, but I cried anyway. But most of the time things feel normal and great, but little inconveniences remind me of the deeper issues.

Aubrey Ella and I are enjoying a week with family. My aunt and uncle are staying with us and my parents are up here too. Brian has been out of town since just before they all arrived, but he will be back tomorrow. We have had lots of fun doing the Alaskan touristy things. And Aubrey loves showing off her latest skills. She is a "cruiser" now. She crawls, and pulls up to standing on the furniture, and is beginning to cruise around things she can hold on to. The tooth count is up to 5, and with that we found the first clear feature she got of Mommy's: the big space between her two front teeth! Mommy had to have oral surgery and braces to correct it, so we decided we better start an orthodontia fund for her! Aubrey LOVES to eat. She seems to like just about anything I give her--though lentils were not a big hit. I am always trying to come up with healthy finger foods for her as she enjoys self-feeding the most. Unfortunately, she often gets a little too excited and stuffs more food than she can handle in her mouth.

Oops, sounds like nap time is over!

In Good Hands

2008-06-24T14:58:00.000-08:00

We are in Houston. We make the long trek back to Anchorage, tomorrow. Aubrey had her heart looked at Monday. That wasn't much fun, but went much faster than the last time we were down here. She was pretty groggy the rest of the day and slept a lot, but was back to herself today. We met with the doctor early this morning. His first comment to us was, "I think she has gotten a little better." He gave us a long explanation and showed us how things look better even though her septum has gotten thicker. She is responding favorably to the medicine she is taking. Her heart isn't working quite as hard to squeeze as it had been previously. He could even tell a diffenence in the sound of her murmur (I was quite impressed that he can remember what it sounded like before and distinguish between them.) We are to just keep doing what we are doing for now. She'll keep taking the same dose of the beta blocker three times per day and we don't need to do anything different unless she begins to develop symptoms (pale color, sweating, shortness of breath.) We will make an appointment with the Anchorage cardiologist for a month from now and then again in about 3 or 4 months. Then come back down in December. We are glad we came down, and also glad we don't have to come down for another 6 months (It's a really long trip.) We are so thankful to have family here and that Aubrey is seeing this doctor. We are in good hands.

Happy Anniversary!

2008-06-19T11:02:00.000-08:00

Today is our Anniversary. We have been married 4 years now. We are so blessed. God uses trials for a good purpose. Brian and I are, without a doubt, closer and our love is deeper as a result of walking this journey together, hurting together, hoping together, and seeking help and comfort from the Lord together. Praise God. I couldn't imagine going through all of this with anyone else.

Aubrey is officially into everything now! She has proven to me this morning that I need to do a good job of baby-proofing the house with a new perspective on what all she can find. As I was attempting to pack for our trip to Houston, I found 3 wads of paper in Aubrey's mouth, then a penny (about to go in,) and, worst of all, she was chewing on a safety pin! AAAAH! She is now able to go from a crawling position to a sitting position and to stand up in her crib. She crawls now, but still prefers the army crawl when she is in a hurry. She has 4 teeth (two on the bottom and two on the top) and I can see the next two top teeth ready to pop through. She loves to eat, especially when she gets to feed herself. She seems to like pretty much everything I give her. She had a blast with her grandparents last week. And I am sure she will be glad to be back with them tomorrow as we go down for her check up at Texas Children's Hospital. Monday she has her echo and Tuesday she has her appointment with the doctor early in the morning. Brian's high school reunion happens to be this same weekend, so that will be fun.

This picture is from Memorial weekend when we took Aubrey on her first backpacking trip. She did great, but her mommy got cold and took her home VERY early in the morning!

8 Months Old

2008-06-11T09:10:00.000-08:00

Our little girl is 8 months old now. She is doing great. Right now she is enjoying a week with Grandma and Grandpa Buck visiting. She had her first experience fishing and clam digging down on the Kenai Peninsula. Her Daddy caught his first king salmon on the Anchor River. She is all over the place--she has perfected the army crawl but only crawls on hands and knees a little. I am sure it won't be long. She is used to being with Mommy most of the time and is starting to have a little separation anxiety when she goes to the church nursery or if Mommy just gets too far away.

Brian and I had our hearts looked at and are relieved to know that we have nothing to worry about and no need to limit our activity or do anything different than we are doing. The Cardiologist told Brian his heart was "above average" for his age as far as fitness, and he was a little disappointed that it wasn't "excellent!" I had a tiny little hole that she said was really common (25% of the population has one) but she didn't expect me to ever have any kind of complication with that.

We have a busy few weeks ahead. After this trip with Grandparents, we have 4 or 5 days at home before we head down to Houston for Aubrey's next appointment at Texas Children's on June 24. Then just before the 4th of July, Julie's parents and Aunt and Uncle arrive for a week or so. Brian is working on a really big project at work that has him very busy all day long and won't be slowing down any time soon. With all the soccer, softball, and visitors, it seems like a pretty normal summer for the Bucks! Day to day we would still never know Aubrey has HCM except that we have to give her the medicine 3 times each day. We found a new little device to put her medicine in that makes giving it to her really easy. That is kind of a relief. We will probably wait until that appointment on the 24 to update the blog again. Thanks for reading!

One Month Update

2008-05-23T12:24:00.000-08:00

We went to Minneapolis this weekend to witness our dear friend Robin marry Ernie Parker. It was a very fun outdoor wedding. They planned lots of family activities including a scavenger hunt and bocci ball! The park was also an educational farm, so Aubrey got to see some cute farm animals. The hotel had a nice pool with a HUGE hot tub. Aubrey really enjoyed swimming. And we all enjoyed the Mall of America!

Yesterday, Aubrey had her first check up with at the cardiologist in Anchorage. It has been one month since we were in Texas. We were very encouraged by what the echo showed. The pressure gradient was much lower than the first time she had her heart looked at in Alaska and the number was very consistent with what they found in Texas. The bottom line is that the medicine seems to be helping and the disease hasn't progressed over this past month. He also thought that her mitral valve regurgitation had decreased some (most likely because the pressure in her heart had gone down.) That is another good thing. The doctor increased the dosage of her medication since she seems to be tolerating it well so far. We are very pleased.

Aubrey Ella is growing and developing new skills so fast these days. She is so close to crawling--she does get around pretty well using an army crawl technique. She will get up on hands and knees and take a couple of steps before resorting to the belly crawl. She stood up in her crib the other day--that was so exciting and scary all at once! She LOVES to walk around if anyone will hold her hands. She takes very deliberate steps and the faster we make her go, the bigger her steps get (not faster!) She is so much fun. We have been enjoying getting outside more. She really likes playing in the grass. She is up to 27.5 inches tall and weighs 17 lbs. She fed herself some graham crackers yesterday like a pro!

We are enjoying our time together as a family so much these days. We are doing well and constantly remind each other to keep trusting the Lord. We have many unknowns in our future--I guess the future is always unknown, but ours is different from the plans we had imagined so it feels a little scarier at times. We have a lot going on for the next couple of months. Grandma and Grandpa Buck come to visit for the first part of June and Grandma and Grandpa Krause come at the beginning of July along with Julie's Aunt and Uncle. Our next appointment in Texas is in a month so we'll be traveling again very soon. Our softball season has begun and we are also organizing a soccer team that is starting soon. On top of all of our activities and visitors, Brian is very busy at work and will soon be traveling more for that. Thank you for taking time to read and catch up with what is going on with us.

"Ma Ma!"

2008-05-09T17:55:00.000-08:00

Aubrey made my Mother's Day! She started saying "Ma Ma" a couple of nights ago. We even were able to capture the instant replay on video. We had a great Mother's Day weekend in Girdwood.

Spring Time

2008-05-06T21:21:00.000-08:00

Life is good. We are enjoying long days and warmer weather. Aubrey and I try and get out each day for a jog, walk or bike ride as long as the weather holds. There are finally buds on the trees and even little bits of green grass here and there. Aubrey is on the verge of crawling--she gets up on her hands and knees and rocks and occasionally takes a step or two forward. She can now scoot on her belly towards whatever she wants (usually a phone or paper.) If we hold her hands she loves to walk around the room. Her steps are huge for such tiny legs and very deliberate. Brian and I are both enjoying her so much these days.

Brian wants me to mention a little "incident" we had last week. We paged the cardiologist because we thought Aubrey had a seizure or something. What happened was that we were playing and I laid her on the floor next to Brian. All of a sudden, she started flailing her arms and legs and shaking her head back and forth for a couple of seconds. I scooped her up and all of a sudden a bunch of yellow snot came out her nostrils. Apparently what happened was that the snot completely plugged her nose for a moment (babies can't breathe through their mouths.) It scared us all.

Brian and I are having our hearts echoed on Thursday to see if either of us has HCM. We won't find out the results until Monday when we talk to the cardiologist. Aubrey's next appointment is later this month in Alaska. The cardiologist here will echo her heart. June 23 and 24 we have appointments back at Texas Children's. We have just connected with a family in Texas whose son has a similar diagnosis. We are really looking forward to learning more from them and having a connection with someone who can really relate to what we are facing.

A Tooth!

2008-04-28T09:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we noticed Aubrey is finally cutting a tooth! People have been telling me she is teething for months and it is finally true! She doesn't seem to be too bothered by it. She has been drooling a lot for a few months now, so that isn't really much different either. We discovered that a really fun new toy is the clear plastic cups they give you on the airplane. It was double fun for us because we can watch her mouth as she chews and sucks on it. We thought we saw the beginning of a tooth through the plastic on Friday and then yesterday I felt her gums and there was definitely a sharp little nub. Guess we'll have to start brushing her tooth soon!

Happy to be Home

2008-04-26T16:32:00.000-08:00

We made the long trip home yesterday. Aubrey did great on the plane rides (Houston to Minneapolis to Anchorage.) We are so glad to be home. We were surprised when we landed in a late spring blizzard! We got about 18 inches of snow yesterday. So, unfortunately, the heart run was postponed until further notice. We really had a great time in Texas with Brian's parents. It was really relaxing and we got lots of quality time as a family. The more we reflect on all that has gone on over the past two weeks, the more we realize how many things God really orchestrated together for us. We feel closer to Him and closer to our friends and family and closer to each other than ever before. We know we most likely have some tough hurdles to cross in the future, but our faith is even greater that God really will carry us through them. We still have a lot of questions and concerns for our little Aubrey. We need wisdom about which doctor appointments we need to travel to Texas for, how to tell Aubrey about her heart when the time comes, and more specifically what we should avoid to keep her safe and healthy. Most of the blood tests are to hopefully rule out some of the metabolic diseases that would be worst scenarios than what we have talked about already. We will keep praying for her health to remain stable and not to get worse.

The Longest Day

2008-04-22T21:45:00.001-08:00

We woke early to get to Texas Childrens Hospital for our 10am appointment. We got there early and after
paperwork was complete and waiting a while Aubrey began her echo cardiogram (ultrasound of the heart.) The technician decided that Aubrey was too squirmy and would have to be sedated. Unfortunately, they didn't
have an appointment available for that until 2:00. So after lunch and a walk, we went back to the cardiology unit.
While we waited for the echo, Aubrey had her chest x-rayed. She did not like that at all, but recovered quickly.
When it was finally our turn, Brian and I took her back to "Tranquility Bay" (where they sedate all the little
babies.) They gave her a liquid medicine to help her go to sleep and she gagged it down. Luckily, she fell asleep
quickly once I started nursing her. From there it was back to an echo room where her heart was looked at and data
collected for over an hour. There were doctors in another room watching the echo as it was going. When the
technician thought she was done, she checked with the doctors, and then came back for several more minutes.
Aubrey stayed asleep for the entire test and only began to stir at the end. They did an EKG (a quick test,) and
took us back to Tranquility Bay for Aubrey to wake and nurse. We were taken to another room to wait for the
doctor and the results.
After about an hour we were told we needed to do it again. The doctor met us in the hall to explain that this time
it wouldn't take as long since they needed to check only one specific thing. They had a doctor do the echo this
time and after three trys, they had what they needed and we headed back to the room to wait for the doctor.
The doctor spent a lot of time and care explaining Aubrey's condition and answering all of our questions. I'll give
some of the facts we learned and then try to explain some of the implications for Aubrey. -First of all, this hospital and this doctor in particular has seen a lot of patients with Hypertropic
Cardiomyopathy (HCM), and even in babies as young as Aubrey. This is nothing new to them. -There are four different typs of therapy to treat this condition and of those there are 2 that are used in children.
They are medical (drug) therapy and myectomy ( surgery.) Texas Children's is biased (based on a lot of data)
towards the least invasive treatment, medical.-Most HCM is caused by a genetic mutation, either passed on from parents or a spontaneous mutation in the
child.-Aubrey is asymptomatic at this point, which for this doctor rules out surgery for the time being.-Aubrey's HCM obstructs bloodflow to the Aorta. Aubrey's obstruction is considered moderate (not
severe.) Her Mitral valve also has a moderate leak/regurgitation, probably caused by the HCM. The
assessment in Alaska did not differentiate the Mitral leakage from the outflow to the Aorta and led the
cardiologist to conclude a more severe obstruction. This is the aspect that took so much time here in Texas as
well.-Beta Blockers are used to lower blood pressure and decrease stress on the heart. Texas Children's
recommends increasing the dose of the medicine as long as it is well tolerated.-The scariest outcome of HCM, one that is talked about most but happens rarely, is sudden death. Based on
case histories from Texas Children's, the chances of this happening are very low, especially while she is young
(before puberty) and while on medication. -Aubrey needs to have a few more tests (blood and urine) to begin to find the cause of this disease. We will also
have our hearts looked at.
So with all of that information, what does this look like for the Bucks? Well, first of all, we will be finishing out the
week in Houston and then hopefully be back for the Heart Run in Anchorage on Saturday. Aubrey will have
the rest of her tests tomorrow, but we won't find out results for quite a while. She will remain on the medicine she
is on for the next month when we will have another appointment when dosage will likely increase. We will most likely
come back to Texas Children's for this appointment. By then they may have more of an idea what is causing her
HCM. Assuming the best case scenerio, she will continue to have heart check-ups monthly, then quarterly, then
less frequently if all is stable or better. Her progress will be closely monitored and medication regulated. As a
little kid, her life should be fairly normal--though we will probably be a little extra-portective. As she gets older her
activity level will have to be limited. Competitive sports will have to be limited to golf or pool or something along
those lines. There may be more complications as the months and years go by, but we will have to just take them as they come.
There is always the possibility that she may have to have a surgery in the future, but for now, we will be managing
this with medicine. The doctor said "We treat the patient, not the echo." They will work with us to give her the
best care and the best quality of life. When this day started we had in mind that a heart transplant was our best case scenerio. Due to all the risks that
involves, we feel like we recieved really great news today. Even though Aubrey has a very serious condition, and
will have some limitations in life, we feel SO blessed. After a week where our minds went down the road of losing
our little girl, we feel hope restored. And can you believe, we do not feel disappointed about anything we heard
today? There are still many unknowns and many wait-and-sees, and we have no guarentees for her future, but we
will continue to trust that God will take care of us. We are so thankful for all of your prayers and support. We have amazing friends and family walking through this
with us. God has been carrying us this week. We have experienced the peace that surpasses understanding. We
have experienced God ordering events to get us the help we need. We have had to put our daughter fully in His
hands and not fear. Thank you for your notes, calls, comments, Bible verses, connections, cleaning, things, and
especially for your love for our family.

Scary Part is Over

2008-04-22T17:21:00.001-08:00

I will write more later and be much more specific, but for now I just want everyone to know we are feeling really relieved. It was a really long day. We are so thankful that we came here and for the words we heard. We feel like we have a plan now. After a few more tests this week, we should be home for the Heart Run on Saturday!

Safe and Sound!

2008-04-19T08:11:00.000-08:00

We arrived in Houston last night around 10pm. It was a relief to get here and get settled at Grandma and Grandpa's house (Brian's parents.) Aubrey did great on the flights and made lots of new friends along the way. She loves to smile at almost anyone who will give her some attention (eye contact and smiles.) We are happy to be in some warm weather and with family. Right now it feels like vacation. We feel really hopeful right now and are filled with peace. Thank you all for all of your encouraging words and prayers. We are so thankful for all of the support we are receiving.

Heading to Houston

2008-04-17T21:22:00.000-08:00

Last night a large group of wonderful friends up here
in Alaska came over to pray with us and encourage us. 
It was so uplifting and encouraging and exactly what
we needed last night.  God has been so good to give us
so many supporters in this strange journey.  We can
sure see His hand already working out all of the
details that need to come together to help our little
girl.  We also notice so many ways He has prepared us
for this time.  We are so thankful.  

We leave for Houston at 9am tomorrow morning.  We are
told the best of the best are there to treat what
Aubrey has.  Our Anchorage Cardiologist advised us to
make the trip as soon as possible and we have all of
our appointments scheduled for Tuesday at Texas
Children's hospital.  She will be examined in the
Cardiomyopathy unit there.  Brian's parents live in
Sugar Land (just outside of Houston) so we will be
staying with them for now.  We are planning to enjoy
family time for the weekend before the appointments
begin on Tuesday.  

Brian is taking some time off of work for the time
being.  They have been incredibly accommodating  and
supportive.  We have a round trip ticket scheduled for
a couple of weeks, but we are also prepared to stay as
long as we need to for Aubrey.  Brian could
potentially be transfered to Houston if that is where
we need to be long term.  

We really don't know what God has for our future.  We
are really hoping for the best.  We know He will carry
us through this storm.  We talked to the Cardiologist
about some possible scenarios, most are pretty scary,
but we know God is much bigger than our circumstances
and that He can heal her.  Please keep praying for
us--we know you already are.

Tough News...

2008-04-17T20:06:00.000-08:00

Friends and Family

We received some really tough news today.  I am sure
you will have lots of questions--right now we don't
have any answers.  Our hearts are breaking as we watch
our sweet little girl and face a really uncertain
future.  Outwardly everything is perfect.  Her heart
isn't growing right, though.  At her sixth month
doctor visit, we found out she has a heart murmur.  We
made an appointment with a children's cardiologist.
We were all quite shocked by what he saw.  The septum
between her ventricles has grown very thick and is
beginning to obstruct the blood flow to / through her
aortic valve.  This is extremely unusual--especially
because she is so very young, and the fact that it
wasn't detectable for her first few months of life.  
For now she is being put on a medication to lower her
blood pressure.  More tests are needed, but the doctor
wants to do more research before deciding what tests
are most pertinent.  As of right now, our next
appointment is May 15th, unless the cardiologist has
more information for us.

We know that we have a good God, a loving Father, that
is taking care of us and Aubrey Ella as well.  I am
confident that He will meet our needs and carry us
through this future we are facing.  God gave us this
incredible baby girl--and we get to love her and raise
her for as long as He lets us.  For that we are both
thankful and fearful.

Please pray.  Pray for our strength to be the best
parents for Aubrey.  Pray for God to meet us as we
hurt.  Pray for us to become closer together.  Pray we
can face the days ahead with grace and courage.  Pray
for wisdom and clarity for the doctors and that they
would know a way to help her.  Pray that Aubrey can
have a full and wonderful life. Pray for healing. 

I am attaching a link so you can see a drawing of her
condition, Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. 

http://images.healthcentersonline.com/heart/images/article/Cardiomyopathy.jpg

Love,
Brian, Julie and Aubrey

Pictures of Aubrey FYI-
http://picasaweb.google.com/bjbuckshots